breakthrough: trying to find love while also being obsessed with physical looks will always be a disaster

According to this rather insightful article, LDS singles  (and I’ll extend it to non-Mormons, too) are too caught up into whether or not their partners are physically attractive. They think that they won’t have as enjoyable of sex or that they will be always looking for the better option and thus will not have a successful relationship.

The Myth of Attraction

While the author–who has a fair bit of experience with this kind of thing (17 years as a dating coach, nbd)–seems to focus on advice for those actually in relationships, I’m going to use my extensive experience with being single to adapt this to the earliest stages of a relationship, specifically dating. I believe my advice below will set the proper tone for the relationship at its inception and therefore will prevent the problems Ms. Goodwin identifies in her article.

This whole notion of young people ruining relationships because they are too unwittingly obsessed with physical beauty lends credence to my belief that singles wards should be abolished. So should online dating. So should social media. It’s quite simple; if you’re not successful on the dating market, then there are two solutions: 1) lower your standards or 2) raise your own value. But social media, online dating, and singles wards discourage both those solutions for most people.

People are not lowering their standards because in the singles-wards-social-media-online-dating environment they are faced with too many high-quality options. When you see beautiful people in such high quantity, you naively believe you can date above your pay-grade. You can’t. And you shouldn’t. You’ll be happier if you stay in your lane. Sure, things like dating apps have made it easier for you to come in contact with a higher number of eligible partners, but it’s done the same for a million other people, too. Supply went up but guess what? Demand is more than ready to match it.

The 3-headed-monster of social media, online dating, and singles wards also discourages people from raising their own value. When you have so many pretty people to look at, at some level you think, “Surely I’ll be able to find one date-able person in this group without changing myself.” All it takes is one, right? Just the one person and then you’ll be happy? We’ve all seen the love stories that contribute to the “there’s someone out there for everyone” sappy story.

Sorry, kids, but that’s loser talk. That’s how people who play the lottery think and that’s why they never win and that’s why they suck. You find a partner the same way you find a job–by doing everything you can to boost your resume and then getting out there and hitting the bricks, pursuing every opportunity.

“There’s someone out there for everyone?” No, there’s not. You’ve been sold a pack of lies and deluded yourself into thinking this is true because one time you saw a goofy guy find a nice girl or an overwhelmed-with-her-job girl get swept off her feet by some dude with a romantic job like teacher or wildlife photographer.  And again, you are susceptible to this belief because it doesn’t require you to change.  The truth is, there’s someone out there for everyone who tries hard and doesn’t think their shit doesn’t smell (i.e., that they’re too good for some people). There’s no one out there for people with unrealistically high standards who also don’t improve themselves.

How’s that for a pep talk? Now get over here and I’ll slap you on the ass as you run out the door. Beyond it lies your future!


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